


Sparring Partners

by felineranger



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:33:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21563044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger
Summary: A remix prequel to Cazflibs “A Lesson In Humility”Rimmer is keen to share some of his survival skills with Lister, but it turns out his pupil is more capable than he bargained for.
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer
Comments: 7
Kudos: 50
Collections: Red Dwarf Fic Remix Fest 2019





	Sparring Partners

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cazflibs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cazflibs/gifts).
  * Inspired by [A Lesson in Humility](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14451594) by [cazflibs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cazflibs/pseuds/cazflibs). 



Rimmer crossed the shiny floor of the gym in careful stealth mode, like a hunter stalking a particularly tricksy prey, careful not to let any sound give him away. Up ahead, Lister was on the mats with his back to him, working up a sweat on the punchbag. Rimmer looked him over. The torn-off sleeves of the tatty black t-shirt he was wearing revealed a muscle definition in his back, upper arms and shoulders that had developed nicely over the last few months. Lister was never going to have the patience or discipline required for washboard abs and buns of steel, but Rimmer didn’t care about that. He didn’t need to be He-Man, he just needed to be strong and fit enough to defend himself when necessary. Besides, Rimmer liked Lister’s soft squishy bits just fine.

He examined his technique critically. Good level of force and speed, but still poor accuracy. They’d have to do some more work on that later. But first of all a different test: reaction times.

It was a secret point of shame that he’d never admit to anyone, but even after a lengthy secondment as the multiverse’s greatest hero, Rimmer still broke out in cold nauseous sweat at the prospect of physical pain. He’d learned to deal with it, to work through the anxiety and control the phobia but even now, creeping up on his lover, the anticipation of the upcoming sparring made his stomach churn with dread. He positioned himself behind the still intently focused Lister, braced himself, and took a deep breath.

He pounced. He threw one arm around Lister’s throat, the other around his waist, and lifted him off his feet. Lister instantly went rigid with shock, a choked cry escaping from him. Rimmer immediately eased the pressure on his neck - this was just training after all - and hissed in his ear “I’m a big bad GELF and I’m going to eat you. What are you going to do?”

Lister bucked with both feet and kicked him hard in the shins. Rimmer winced. Okay, not bad, but not enough. “It hurt, but it didn’t break my hold. You’ve got to get my arm off your neck before the lack of air makes you weak. You’ve still got your arms free - use them.”

Lister drove an elbow backwards into his stomach to knock the wind out of him, then as Rimmer doubled over he grabbed the arm around his neck with both hands, twisted and dropped to one knee, flinging Rimmer over his shoulder and onto the mat.

They both paused, catching their breath. “Good move,” Rimmer allowed, “but too slow. It needs to be instant. Instinctive.”

“You bastard,” Lister huffed resentfully. “You nearly gave me a heart attack.”

“You think the bad guys are always going to announce their arrival with a marching band? Waving big evil flags? You think they’re going to slide a polite note under the door first? ‘Coo-ee! We will be attacking you at 4pm teatime if you’re available.’ No.”

“At this rate I’m not gonna have to worry about it because you’ll have smegging killed me first.” Lister got back to his feet, and Rimmer followed suit.

“You asked me to train you up, teach you some of what I know, so that’s what I’m doing. Did you think it was going to be easy?”

“No, but I thought you were going to employ slightly more traditional teaching methods. I wasn’t expecting to have to fend off sneak attacks from the man I lo- aaaagh!”

Lister dodged the hard-light fist aimed at his head and threw up his arm to block it successfully, only for Rimmer to grab his wrist and twist him around, pulling his arm up behind his back. “Ow!”

He quickly pushed one foot backwards, hooked it around Rimmer’s ankle and yanked it out from under him, throwing his own body weight behind the move to bring them both to the ground then quickly roll away. “Better,” Rimmer said. “But consider it another important lesson. Never monologue in the presence of the enemy.”

“I didn’t think I _was_ in the presence of the enemy!” Lister complained, pushing himself up onto his knees. “And I wasn’t ‘monologuing’! I was just trying to have a conversation with you, you lunatic!”

“You need to get more attuned to body language. You should have seen me getting poised to spring.”

“Is this really necessary? Do I have to spend every waking moment on the edge of a nervous breakdown waiting for you to attack me?”

“Only in the training room. And trust me, it will pay off. Lightning reflexes give you a better edge in a fight than strength.”

Lister gave a heavy sigh and wiped the sweat from his brow. “I didn’t think you were going to be so intense about this, man. I thought you were just going to show me a few nifty moves, maybe some cool ninja nerve pinch or some fancy smeg like that. Get a little bit hot and sweaty together, y’know? This was supposed to be fun.”

“Well, combat isn’t fun. It’s difficult and draining and scary, and you need to be ready for the worst. You need to be able to defend yourself if...” Rimmer swallowed hard, his throat tight suddenly.

“If what?”

“If I can’t protect you.”

Lister gave him a condescending smile. “Rimsy, when have I ever needed you to protect me? I was punching my way out of street brawls when you were still in short trousers, kid. And in case you hadn’t noticed, I survived a fair amount of crazy crap all by myself while you were gone.”

“I know.” Rimmer crawled over to him and curled a hand around the back of his neck, touching their foreheads together tenderly. “But you know me, I’m a worrier. I’ve seen things out there, awful things. I need to know that you’re as prepared as you can be, because I don’t want to risk losing you.”

“Hey,” Lister nuzzled his nose gently. “You’re not going to lose me. We’re together, we’re back on the Dwarf, we’ve had barely any real trouble for years now. We’re okay.” He touched their lips together in a soft reassuring kiss.

Rimmer smiled lovingly; then tackled him and slammed him back to the mat, straddling his hips. 

“You arsehole!” Lister raged. “I thought we were having a moment!”

Rimmer leaned down into his face. “Another important lesson. Always know when your adversary is trying to seduce you.”

“You know, I’m starting to think you’re just using these sessions as an excuse to knock me around. Getting revenge for all the petty little domestic squabbles you always lose.”

“You’ll thank me when some rampaging simulant is trying to rip your head off. If I had a penny for every sneaky baddie who’s ever tried to take advantage of Ace’s racy reputation to catch me with my pants literally down, then I’d have a bigger hoard of gold than Smaug. You can never be too...”

Lister twisted beneath him, flipped them both over, and pinned Rimmer beneath him. “What did you just say about monologues, Big Man?”

“ _Ooof_. How can someone so small be so damn heavy?” Rimmer complained. “What are you made of? Uranium?”

“Hey! What are you trying to say?”

“I take it all back. You don’t need to learn to fight. If any intergalactic nasty tries to tangle with you, just sit on them. You’ll be fine.”

“You’re a jerk,” Lister fumed. He took a swipe at Rimmer who grabbed his arm and used the leverage to roll Lister back beneath him.

“Don’t let your opponent make you excitable, it will make you sloppy.”

Lister narrowed his eyes. “Is that so?” 

He threw his legs up, and locked his thighs tightly around Rimmer’s waist. Rimmer blinked as Lister’s hips arched up against his and began to grind firmly against his groin. He tried to move back, but Lister held onto him tightly. “Call me cocky, but I reckon I can make you pretty excitable, _Ace_.” 

Rimmer gritted his teeth. He was starting to get an erection. Dammit. “This tactic might work on me, Squire, but it’s not going to help you against an angry Symbi-morph.”

“I don’t care. He’s not here and you are. I’m using the advantage I have against the enemy I’m facing right now. I think that’s what you call tactics.”

“No, it’s what _I_ call slutty. And it’s cheating.”

“All’s fair in love and war, Rimsy.” Lister continued to rub himself persistently and deliberately against Rimmer’s growing erection.

“Smeg,” Rimmer tried to move back, but those juicy thighs had him clutched tight in an inescapable hold. Okay, he could give Lister a good hard jab in the face or stomach and he’d probably let go, but for all that he’d tried to make their training as realistic as possible, he knew that was going too far. Besides, this was infinitely preferable to fighting in his book. A few bruises might still be inevitable by the end of it, but he could live with that.

“Okay, okay. You’ve made your point, you win.”

“Say the words, Rimsy,” Lister purred, still rocking himself against Rimmer’s now hungrily throbbing cock.

“I surrender! I surrender, you morally bankrupt scouse whore! Now let go of me so I can get these smegging pants down and fuck your conniving little arse.”

Lister finally released him, opening his legs wide, with a satisfied smile. “Yeeees! The triumphant warrior gets the spoils.”

“Don’t be so pleased with yourself,” Rimmer grumbled, awkwardly shoving his sweatpants down and fumbling with Lister’s. “You may have won this round, but we’ve still got a lot of training to do, and you’re not going to shag your way out of all of it.”

A little later, as they lay in a damp sweaty tangle on the mats, Lister announced with breathless smugness, “I’m definitely getting the hang of this hero malarkey. Skilful unarmed combat, followed up with _very_ skilful love-making. If Ace ever needs a holiday, I can step in, no probs.”

“Yes, yes, yes.” Rimmer rolled his eyes. “Clearly there’s nothing more I can teach you. You are invincible.”

Lister snuggled against him with a grin, “Ooh, you hate that I’m getting good at this, don’t you?”

“If I didn’t want you to be good, I wouldn’t be teaching you in the first place. I don’t want you to be _complacent_.”

“I suppose. After all, you might need me to come bursting in and save _you_ one of these days,” Lister raised a teasing eyebrow, toying with Rimmer’s ruffled curls. 

Rimmer smiled indulgently. “I can’t imagine a scenario where that would be necessary, but thanks all the same.”

“Hey, you shouldn’t get complacent either. Even Ace isn’t invincible.”

“True. But for the record - ” Rimmer rolled back on top of him with a predatory smile, “ - if the worst should happen and I do for some unearthly reason need you to step in and save me, if I find out you used the same ‘tactics’ you used today, I will _not_ be happy.”


End file.
